isaiah 45: 21-24

 There is no God apart from me...  Turn to me and be saved all you ends of the earth...

By myself I have sworn, my mouth has uttered in all integrity a word that will not be revoked:

Before me every knee will bow; by me every tongue will swear.

They wil say of me, "In the Lord alone are righteousness and strength,"

All who have raged against him will come to him and be put to shame.

...

when something hurts real bad and never quite goes away, there comes a time when you just stop crying because there's either no more energy left to do so or because the novelty of the pain goes away and it becomes just another part of your life.  i think that's where im at right now.  yet, the pain continues to naw at me.  i tried to have patience with it, thinking that time would heal or that someday i would gain new insight, perspective, or direction that would take me away from this place... it hasnt happened yet.  im so confused that im afraid to move.  i dont want to make the same foolish mistakes that ive seen so many other people make.  im wondering when or if God will turn these ashes into something beautiful. 

simple pleasures

today i had a gazillion errands to run.  first thing, i had to get my parking permit.  then go to the library and return all my books.  well after i got my parking permit, i got in my car and thought to myself, "why dont i just drive through the campus since i can practically see the library from here?"  but my good citizen side of myself overcame and convinced me that it would be better to just drive on the streets to get there.  and then!  i saw cars coming out of the route that i had wanted to take through the campus.  apparently, they had shut down some surface streets for construction and the detour was right through campus.  i was so ecstatic to finally be able to drive through the campus to get to my destination.  it wasnt the first time that i had thought of doing that... the whole time i was smiling and singing a little diddy, "im driving through the school... yeaaaa.... im driving through the school..."  hahaha

exhausted

when i went to bed last night i was hot and when i woke up this morning i was freezing cold, which means i was eggg-zosted!  usually, i toss and turn and wake up way before my body turns into a popsicle.  but for the past three days ive been working the afternoon/evening shifts in the er and havent been able to take my 2-3 hour naps in the afternoon.  so i dont know which is worse, not being able to sleep in the afternoon cause im working or not being able to sleep at night cause i already slept in the afternoon.

yesterday in the er i saw something more disturbing than most things that come into the er.  it was a kid who had a very bloody face.  he wasnt my patient but when i walked by him it looked like he had blood coming out of his eyes.  later the resident said that someone hit him in the face with a bat and he sustained a laceration that went through his tear duct... very bad.  at least he didnt have any broken bones.  it was sad because he didnt have any friends or family members bedside.  in fact, one of his "friends" might have been the one who actually hit him.  the last i saw of him he was talking on the phone.  i noticed that he was dressed like a gang banger... a lonely gang banger with his face smashed up and no one to help him.  i wondered where his family was.  he was just a kid.

rest in peace

i cant believe bernie mac died.  the media says it was due to complications from pneumonia and had nothing to do with his pre-existing disease, sarcoidosis... yeah right.  anyway, when i read the headline today i didnt really believe it.  i had to read it over again in order for it to register.  and it reminded me of what happened in the er yesterday.

a couple kids and a lady came in from a motor vehicle accident.  one of the kids was in bad shape.  at some point they had to do chest compressions on him.  it was kind of making me sick watching the body move like a rag doll every time they pushed his chest wall downwards.  in the end, he didnt make it.

writing about this, also reminds me of something that happened earlier in the year.  i was walking through the hallway that connects the administrative part of the building to the hospital, when a huge flower arrangement loomed before me... the kind that they only have at funerals.  i stopped to read the paper attached to it and found that one of the young residents i had worked with recently died.  i remembered him in particular because he was nice and good looking... and married.  hehe.  so yeah i didnt make a move on him or anything.  but he was nice and, thus, it was nice working with them.  i was quite shocked that he was dead.  i wondered what he would have thought/done if he knew that at the time i worked with him, he had only 6 months to live.

i dont know if any of these people were prepared to die.  but they definitely send a message to the living.  be prepared to die.  dont let it sneak up on you.  because there will be a judgement and no one will want to go to hell.  for everyone who knows God will find rest, but for everyone who doesnt, there will be eternal pain and anguish.